TO COOK A FROZEN TURKEY
By Chuck Corchran
Thaw the turkey for about 15 minutes or until you get bored watching it in the sink.
Stab the bird with a large knife from above, thus providing a handle for carrying the slippery thing. Grasp the knife's handle and with a quick swinging motion raise bird over your shoulder for transport to the oven. Should the turkey slide off the knife and fly through the air, landing on floor with a large thump, holler to the family in the living room that you dropped a can of cranberries. Recover the bird and conceal the depression in the flooring.
When you finally have the turkey at the oven, shake the handle vigorously until bird slips from the knife onto a prepared cooking pan previously placed on the oven door for convenience. Make a note to call the repairman to get the oven door hinges re-aligned.
Lightly salt and pepper the bird, lifting the plastic wrapper away from the skin to allow complete coverage. Press the plastic back into place.
Push your fist into the bird's cavity and feel around. This may be yucky but it's necessary. After about one minute, pull your hand out. If you do not have severe frostbite, the turkey is ready to cook.
Set the oven to a temperature you like. It's kind of like picking lottery numbers; some people have a lucky number, others use their kid's birth dates, or whatever.
Roast turkey for a while, or until plastic wrap shrivels and begins to either smoke or flame. Half an hour is good.
Once again plunge the carrying knife into bird. Transfer the turkey to a platter using the same method described above for moving the bird from sink to oven. (An unbreakable platter is recommended.)
Serve your guests according to their preference concerning doneness.
If they like their turkey:
And remember; the best guest of all to invite to your meal is a paramedic. There's an outside chance that you might not need him, but you never know.
- Well done: Send them to a restaurant. You don't have any well-done meat.
- Medium: Check the part that goes over the fence last. You might get lucky and find some medium there.
- Rare or Raw: This is the kind of guest you've been looking for. The connoisseur of rare turkey is hard to find but on your turkey the rare meat isn't. Carve thin slices of this delicacy (watch out for ice crystals which can be overly crunchy on the palate), serve with a flourish and the traditional call of, "Turkey Sushi!"